I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
