weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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