why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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