highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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