I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
