I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
