there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
