i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
