Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
