I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
