I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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