I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
