Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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