1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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