Define "chronic" masturbator.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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