one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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