I can tuck mytits in my pants
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you had me at cake vodka
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
