Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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