i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
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You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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