i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
