Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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