Im at strip club and am horny
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
