I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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