you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
