Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
