I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
