totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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