he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
