U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
