Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
