ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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