Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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