i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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