Your mouth is God's brothel.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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