Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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