is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
