I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
