remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
