so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
