What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Pants are for mortals
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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