quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
