How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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