Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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