and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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