All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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