um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
