I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
