Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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