He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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