Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
