Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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