ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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