can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
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Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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