Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
