Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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