I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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