Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Pooping to opera.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
