everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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