i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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