there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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