I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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